Most of the time, middle school journaling is ridiculously cringey with all sorts of drama about your BFF, your crush or your parents. Some people even write down all of the words that they aren't allowed to say just to be "rebellious". Haha! I never did that, but I definitely found my fair share of tea in own my journals.
My journals were my best friends, never sharing my feelings with anybody else. They held sacred pieces of my heart for nobody to see, until now, when I revealed my beloved, innermost secrets and feelings to my husband.
Why would he care about what I had to say 10 years ago?
Because most of the journal entries were about him.
For 10 years, we thought that Payton was in love with me and I was content with being just friends, but both of us were very shocked to see that we were wrong.
Guys, I adored him.
You'll see as you keep reading how much I loved him, and how much I talked about a future with him, but the timing wasn't right. (I don't want to spoil too much, so read on! ;))
After reading all of the journal entries, Payton and I had a lot of "What If's?"
What if we dated each other in middle school, when the romance first started? What if we got married right after high school? What if we were each other's first kiss, first date, first boyfriend/girlfriend?
But then, we realized how beautifully God orchestrated it all differently. He truly wrote our love story.
In the Bible, 7 is the number of perfection and 8 is the number of completion.
It took us 7 years for our hearts to be ready for each other and then 8 years for our lives to be untied as one. (We started dating in 2017 and got married in 2018.)
Our lives would have looked very different if we had dated in middle school, that's for sure, but I'm grateful that the Lord did it the way that He did. I'm grateful for those 7 years of pruning and preparing our hearts individually to then step into marriage after 8 years. Our lives became complete!
Now, just for fun, I'm going to share a few of the journal entries about what I wrote down all of those years ago. Maybe I should feel embarrassed at my silly feelings, but I think there's something insanely profound about them, now. What were 8th grade emotions became something beautiful and something so sacred to us now.
Alright, get ready for some ~cheesy~ and quite honestly, prophetic, journal entries!
*no date written, but it was sometime between September 22, 2010-November 13, 2010*
Dear Lord,
I have to admit, I love Payton. Every single day I see more of you in him. He's like a knight in shining armor with a halo. He's so calm and peaceful. And he's beautiful. He's an amazing young man and I feel no shame loving him even though most people think he's stupid or don't even know who he is. (omg sorry babe love ya <3) He is such an amazing man, and his heart longs for you and I admire and respect that. And if the whole 8th grade finds out that I like him, oh well. Lord, you know what's going to happen in the future. I don't wanna lose our friendship, it's way too important to me. Help me to keep an amazing life-long friendship with Christian Payton Vaught <3
-Hosanna
December 10, 2010
Dear Lord,
Thank you for allowing me to have a fun time at the gala. I know that it got crazy when everybody was cornering Payton and I to slow dance together, but I had a fun time otherwise! :)
He looked SO amazing. Oh my gosh.
And that picture that Erin took of me and him made him look soo...handsome. :) <3
Haha, yes I know I'm just a little girl with a crush, but he did. :) :)
Haha.
I'm thankful that you put such an amazing man into my life.
He's so amazing, and cute and I love how he's on fire for you. His looks, muscles, hair, skin, eyes, smile...all of those are like little sprinkles compared to his love for you. And that's one of the main reasons why I love him. (And well...also because he is cute...:))
Anyways, I do and always will love him.
He's so kind, and when he smiles, I smile,
And someday...I would love to dance with him-Without force.
I would love to hold his hand and lay my head on his shoulder. *sigh*
I know this is already going to have a different ending than all my other crushes.
Haha, yes...it's going to. And it's going to be something wonderful. :)
-Hosanna T. <3
January 15, 2011
Dear Lord,
New Year! New grades! New friends!
Oh, the joy! I cannot wait to start over on a lot of things!
Payton and I have developed an EVERLASTING friendship which I NEVER want to lose!
I love him to death, Lord.
If everybody on earth were born with half a heart and they were supposed to find the person with their other half...I honestly think Payton would be my other half.
Now, that's just how I feel, I have NO idea what you plan for my future, nor who you plan to make my husband, but I love him.
Talk to ya later! :)
-Your daughter,
Hosanna :)
February 19, 2011
Dear Jesus,
Payton asked me to go out with him yesterday.
Lord, you know that I want to, but do I know what you want?
I would like to ask for a sign...it's a very simple one.
From this Saturday until next Thursday night, if it does not rain, it will mean that you do not want us to date, and if it does rain, that would mean that you do want us to date.
I don't want this to be a test...just a sign.
Now, in that 5 days, the Lord did not allow it to rain. I eagerly watched the forecast daily, waiting for my "yes, my beloved, he is the one whom your soul loves," but not one cloud released a single raindrop. I wrestled with that rejection for a while. I knew how much Payton cared about me, but a "no" was a "no" in my book. I told Payton that the Lord told me no, but I still loved him for months after the Lord gave me my answer.
Shoot, I still loved him for years after that! We were best friends.
After we got married, I told him that there were times in high school when he and I would stay up until midnight at the edge of my driveway talking about life and I wanted him to pull me in and kiss me. I wanted him to be my forever, I wanted him to promise me the world, but I had no way of asking because I thought that that door was closed for him, too. When the Lord told me "no" in 2011, Payton was obviously no longer an option, but I couldn't help but feel something deeper; and I didn't have the words then, but I have them now: I wanted him to be my knight.
There was also a story of Easter 2011 when I was holding a baby girl in my arms at church with Payton talking to me, and somebody took our picture. The Holy Spirit told me "This is your future" but I thought it was truly wishful thinking.
This is where we thought our story began. We thought it began upon rejection because it became the infamous "Payton-And-Hosanna" story where after Payton was turned down by me, I friend zoned him and then years later I un-friendzoned him and we got married.
But, we can see it's so much more than that.
In 2017, the Lord finally gave me the "yes" that my heart had desired so long ago.
I started having feelings for Payton a few months after my car accident, but I thought that they were rebound feelings since I had just gotten out of a long relationship during my recovery.
I journaled on April 4, 2017:
I asked God to give me a sign when I meet you. (I was writing a letter to my husband)
I want to know 100% that you're the right one for me--that way I don't make any mistakes.
When you give me white roses, you're the one. I told God that, and I said:
"God, please make our sign white roses. When he gives them to me, I want him to say, 'I gave you white because I didn't know what color to get, so this way, you can imagine your own color.' and then I'll know that he's the one."
On August 10, 2017 Payton and I had been dating for a whopping 8 days, and I was overwhelmed that I was making the wrong choice. I had only been single for about 7 months and I was afraid of what everyone would say. I was afraid of hurting Payton. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of everything and everybody's opinion.
And then that night, I was having a pretty rough day at work, so he came and left me a surprise in my car.
The surprise?
My white roses.
And a note that said:
"I'm sorry that you had a rough day, baby.
I hope this cheers you up some.
I didn't know what color flowers you would like, so I picked white so you could imagine the world.
I love you so much. I'm so proud of you. Keep your chin up.
--Your Beloved
All those dreams, desires and prayers that I wrote down in my journals all those years ago were real feelings.
Payton does hold the other half to my heart.
I can now hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder whenever I'd like.
I can now dance with him without being forced or pressured to by classmates. (Quite willingly, I may add! <3)
In all of these years that our friendship has grown into a beautiful marriage and parenthood, I can still say that he is my knight in shining armor with a halo.
I'm SO grateful that the Lord put him in my life.
And, I'm also so grateful that he told me "no" all those years ago and then gave me a beautiful "yes" after 7 perfect years. God shut those doors, I released Payton, and then we ended up together after all!
Love,
Hosanna
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